Morgane Stapleton stated that she made the absolutely worst decision of her life last week when she forced her husband, Chris Stapleton to shave his beard. “I wanted it at first, but now I regret everything I’ve done” she said, distraught and flustered.
Chris said that he “hated” the change at first. But now? Per Chris, “I’m a brand new man”.
While Chris seems like a brand new man, fans everywhere are expressing their hatred for the new look, labeling Chris “a sellout” and even calling the whole fiasco “#beardgate”. It’s not even the look that’s bothering them so much as it is the new attitude that’s accompanying it.
Fans have “demanded money back” after seeing the new Chris shakes his hips and start dancing at every one of his concerts to eighties disco medleys. “It’s just not right” fan Alex Goodwin told us. “Ever since the beard left, he’s just…….I don’t know….not himself”.
His wife Morgane says she’s noticed a change in her husband at home as well. “Every morning he wakes me up at like 4:30 in the morning and asks “Baby I’m a rock star right”? To which I always have to reply “Yes, honey”. “But even that’s not enough for him! After that, he always gets up, grabs his guitar, stands at the foot of the bed and starts strumming the damn thing like he’s going to kill it, at which point I always have to drag out the fog machine for him so he can perform a little show while I sit in bed and (pretend to) clap.”
After that’s done and the couple go about getting ready for the day, Morgane now has to remind her husband, “no honey, you’re not walking out of the house with skinny jeans”.
Close friend Jason Isbell is also expressing concern over his friend’s new look. “We were talking the other day, and somehow or other Chris starts talking about his new album, and how he’s disappointed that he didn’t include some songs on it”. When asked by interviewers what those songs were, Chris listed off some, but stated that he was most disappointed he didn’t record “South Side” for the new album. “I mean, that was a great song, and hell, Thomas is done releasing songs off his album anyway…which reminds me, why didn’t I keep that for myself?”
Chris has also stated his newfound frustration with his chart success so far. “I recently noticed that we didn’t have a number one single yet. I asked my label, “why the hell is that?”, to which they played my album, Traveller for me. All I could say at that point was holy moly, I actually recorded that sad-ass boring son of a *****? I knew I had to include some more fun-uptempos in there….you know, evolve my sound”.
Chris also blames “that motherf***er Jake Owen for ruining “If He Ain’t Gonna Love You””. “Why was I singing background on that? I could have blew the roof off if he had just gotten the hell out of the way! Now it only peaked at like…forty. Doesn’t he knew single chart positions are everything?!?”
Friend Dave Cobb was also a little saddened to hear of the news. “He just calls me up and said he didn’t want to work with me anymore, saying something along the lines of wanting to work with a Mr. Buzz B. instead. I’m totally confused”. We all are, Dave.
To eradicate the problem, Morgane has stated that she has “been feeding her husband a lot of nuts, eggs, and salmon”, adding that “the sooner his hair grows out again, the better”.
In other news, Jamey Johnson has “all of a sudden” been more motivated to write again now that he knows there’s a huge demand for a bearded country singer.