Editor’s note: I’m going to try and publish one of these “Fake News Friday” (FNF) pieces every week. I figured innudating you guys with them would kind of take away the purpose of this blog which is to talk about music. Still, I enjoy doing these. Therefore, if I post on Fridays from now on, it’ll be some fake news story. I never intend to diss anyone’s taste in music, these are only meant for fun.
A couple days ago, you couldn’t wreck Brian Wilson’s mood. He had just been promoted at his job, he was going to be married soon, and he had a full week off coming to him soon.
And then he remembered, “oh shit, it’s an odd year. We’re getting a new Luke Bryan album this year”.
Being the staunch traditionalist that he is, Brian had never listened to Luke Bryan prior to 2015, and he had no problem with it either. “Hell, I have all my Whitey Morgan and Cody Jinks albums. Why would I want to waste my time with that other shit? I ain’t ever had a reason to hear it, and I sure as shit didn’t want one either”.
Sometimes however, the music just finds you, just as it found Brian on that unfortunate day while shopping at the Dollar General in June of 2015. “I was in line, minding my own business. They were playing some crappy eighties music over the speakers, and I was a little sad that I had forgot to bring my headphones with me so I could crank up some Tom T. Hall, but that sadness turned into pissed off-ness when I heard that f**king kick up the dust song. I damn near dropped my shit and ran out of the store with blood pouring out of my ears, it was that awful. I asked the person in front of me who it was, and he said, “That’s Luke Bryan, I’m going to see him in concert next month!” I told the guy to get help and then walked out. I mean, how the hell do people listen to that shit? I was sad to find out it apparently wasn’t even his worst song, and I’m not a man to play around with death so I’m sure as shit not seeking it out either”.
That day taught Brian a powerful lesson – we have a duty to bring good music to everyone around us. “I was doing some online research, and I came across this guy named Reginald Spears who replaced all of the pop-country CD’s at his local Walmart with actual good shit. That dude’s my hero by the way, I’m hoping I can meet him one day…Anyway, I knew that I also had a duty to serve to my fellow country music fans. So I did some research on this Luke fella, and I found out he releases an album once every two years. I was too depressed to fight the fight when his last album was released, but now I realize, it’s time to step up and take charge”.
When asked what Brian planned to do when Luke does release that new album eventually, Brian stated that “first, I’m going to do just as Reginald did and sacrifice all of my albums onto every store shelf I can find while simultaneously smashing the new Luke albums. It may land me in jail, and my fiancee may be pretty pissed when it’s all said and done, but damn it it’s for a good cause!”
Brian also stated that he plans to crank up Merle Haggard as loud as he can that night to ensure that good country music wins. Per Brian, “I’m determined to win. Nothing can break my spirit”.
When told that Sam Hunt could potentially also have a new album out this year, Brian looked confusingly, asked who Sam was, and before we knew it, Brian panicked and quickly took to Youtube to listen to his new song, “Body Like A Backroad”. The warrior’s face turned cold as Brian repeatedly shouted “No, no, no, no, no, NOOOOOO!!!!!!” before quickly throwing things around his house stating things along the lines of “it’s not enough, the war will never be won”. After going on a half an hour rampage, we found Brian curled up in a ball in his room with tears in his eyes. He was rocking back and forth frighteningly murmuring something along the lines of “What would Reggie do?”, and “Sturgill will save the day, Sturgill HAS to save the day…”